Angel Cards - Day 8 Purification

So, I have a beef. I know that some of you read this from time to time. Some of you have even commented when I stop that you haven't seen me post in a while. However, none of you seem to comment on the blog itself. I find that extremely irritating! It's like putting something into the air and having it just disappear. I'm a relational person, so I lose the motivation to write if no one says anything. Please.....make a comment even if it's "Gail, this writing sucks." Well, maybe not that extreme and rude....

So, the word for the last 3 days has been Purification! I HATE this word. It has very negative connotations for me. It implies elimination and that whatever is being purified is bad, thus the need for eliminating whatever that bad substance is. I realize it also has biblical and ecclesiastical meaning, as in "preserving the peace, unity and purity of the church." Perhaps I've just never understood this. What can possibly be pure about a church? It's made up of a bunch of human beings.

Then there is the Purification Codes of the Old Testament....oy, don't get me started. It's just all this white, pure, unblemished talk that give me the creeps. I don't suppose a Protestant minister should even be saying this, but I don't care for people who believe it is their job to make the church, other people or the world pure. I'm pretty sure that any purifying to be done should be done by God! End of story....or not!

Angel Cards - Day 7 Beauty

Yes, it's been a few days. I took some time off for Christmas Eve, family meals and gatherings, and preparing for worship this morning.

Beauty is everywhere if we're willing to see it. I once wrote a theological piece on beauty according to Thomas Aquinas, for a church history/philosophy class. I'm not sure I still have that piece but the gist of it was that beauty is more than what we make it to be. It's createdness. It's about God calling creation good. Very, very good.

Beauty isn't just about the physical. I think I most often see beauty in emotions and sharing and incarnation. Today I saw beauty in invitation. We read Christmas stories in worship and the woman who read a story started to weep as she read The Winter's Tale and the part where the mare dies. Her husband died this summer. Then I got up to read the Pearl S. Buck story, Christmas Day in the Morning. It's about a man who gave his father a gift when he was a teenager. They lived on a farm and Christmas morning he got up and did all the chores before his father awoke. The man was now an adult and his father had died, but he still woke at 4a.m. and remembered the love and the gift that he shared. I choked because it reminded me of my father who died two years ago. He worked on the farm and woke early each morning to feed and water the livestock. I had read and rehearsed the story several times and did not make the connection. It was not until I was standing before the congregation, a community, the people I love and who (mostly) love me, that I had the revelation. To me, that is beauty.

Angel Cards - Day 6 Transformation

When I was going through a pretty rough time in my life, I was introduced to a poet named David Whyte. I was at a point where I was really searching and seeking to find who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. It was after seminary and I really thought I'd already figured that out (and spent an awful lot of time, energy and money doing so!) A dear and wise friend gave me a book of David's poetry. I read and listened to every thing he wrote. He spoke to me at the deepest core of my being in a way that I had not felt in a long time. It was very much a timing thing. Some of the stuff I go back to read now does not even begin to move me.

But transformation is a funny thing. I'm not always aware that I'm changing. I don't feel all that different from day to day. Then, something will cause me to look back over a longer stretch of time and I realize how far I've come. Not like I've "made it" or that the journey happens in a linear fashion, but that I've learned and changed. I've become more responsible than I was when I was 25. I'm more compassionate now that I'm a pastor. I am less afraid of death than when I was younger (odd, I know). I like being with people in crisis (I guess that's good for a pastor). I know that I'm a leader, but not stereotypically so. I have become and I'm still becoming....every single day. Let me share with you from a poet's perspective, one of the places I used to be. in the "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte:

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

Angel Cards - Day 5 Openness

A friend of mine suggested that I pull one of these angel cards in the morning so that I can carry the word with me throughout the day and write about where I saw or felt or experienced this word. I am not certain I am that smart or aware or articulate. I'm not even sure what openness looks like.

I do have this notion that openness is not singular. I think it doesn't occur in one person. In order for me to experience openness, there has to be some other person, being, or spirit that is reciprocating openness. However, I can't be aware of what is going on around me, within me or through me if I'm closed. This reminds me of the concept of the Trinity. Open and self giving. Love that always has an open seat at the table. The dancing circle that is always open for one more person to join the dance. Always. There is no way to close the circle.

Today I had breakfast with a friend who is going through a rough time. I hope I offered her openness and that the table we shared was love and there was room for others to sit, to speak and to dance.

Angel Cards - Day 4 Tenderness

Tenderness
Simplicity
Innocence
A baby's cheeks
Two people who've been married for over 50 years showing public displays of affection

Tenderness
Empathy
Feeling more than is humanly possible
A sympathetic smile
The scene from the Special Olympics where the runners help one of the other racers across the finish line

Tenderness
Sweetness
Gentleness
Charity
A friend who sits by your side while you cry your deepest sadness

Tenderness
Kindness
Love
Sweet sweet spirits
The one who understands when no one else does

Tenderness

Angel Cards - Day 3 Balance

Balance!? Balance!? Are you KIDDING me? You all, or at least most of you all, have absolutely no idea how ironic it is that I would draw this word today. First of all, this has been a key word for me for the last year or so. Prior to that, it was freedom. Balance is both a physical and a metaphoric challenge for me. I've always been a bit of a klutz, very un-athletic and well, I can't even ride a bike! So, when I was making a personal goal for myself last year, the word that arose was balance.

The other reason that balance is a challenge for me, is that I have a very difficult time saying no. I can an barely even form my lips around the word. I live with an illusion that every good thing I'm offered deserves a yes (this can be problematic when it comes to food, too). There must always be time to fit in just one more activity, job, speaking engagement, event or the like, into my already jam-packed schedule. If I weren't supposed to do all these things, God surely wouldn't not have allowed them to be presented to me, right?

Sigh, so I am constantly striving for balance in my life. Another irony of this is that while I hold little or no stock in the astrological signs, I am a Libra. Yeah, the sign of the scales. Balance, balance, balance. Supposedly we are people seek harmony, equality and balance. Yep, there is that word again. Honestly, when will it ever leave me alone?

I suppose this recurring theme would not be a big deal to me if I were even close to achieving it - balance, that is. For example, today, I arose at 8 am, got to church, rehearsed with the choir at 9 am. Checked in with the leaders of the Children's Pageant and the liturgists, welcomed folks to church at 10:30 a.m. and greeted folks at fellowship hour at 11:30 a.m. Left church at 12:15 pm. Took my daughter to Target to do some Christmas shopping and searched for 15 minutes but could not find parking. Decided we should make our way toward Davis via the Vacaville Outlet Malls so that she could find her gifts there. Shopped and had lunch. Got back on the freeway at 3:45 and went to the Mondavi Center for a 5 pm Chanticleer concert. Left there at 7ish and got to a restaurant where we met church members and friends for a dinner. Back in the car at 9 pm and home by 10 pm. Now, so that I might have some sense of balance in my life, I'm keeping my commitment to write at 10:32 pm. Miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep....zzzzzzz

Angel Cards - Day 2 Grace

What irony to receive this word - grace. First of all, I think it is one of the most difficult words to define. Google definitions says that grace is unmerited favor. It is also a prayer said before meals and a word to describe beautiful and effortless movement. When I think of grace, the first image that comes to my mind is dance. I am a huge fan of the ballet and most any form of dance. One of my favorite scriptures is the story of David dancing (naked even!) In a way, I see this image intertwined with unmerited favor. Grace is ephemeral - that is, short lived, beginnin or ending in a day. Yes, grace is eternal, but it is also found in fleeting moments.

Sometimes grace is only recognized or understood when it seems we no longer have grace. I can feel myself winding around and around and really not coming up with much. I know in my heart that my very life and all that is in it is a gift of grace, but I can't seem to put my mind around the idea that God would love me enough to offer that grace. I guess it is what we are put on earth to do....show that grace to others so that they might see it and God for themselves.

Angel Cards - Day 1 Adventure

I have found that a project or a theme is the best way for me to attack writing a blog. So, I've gone from the 28 day cleanse to Angel Cards. They're simply little word cards with pictures of angels on them. Just a thought starter, really. My friend game me her box and suggested it might be away for me to venture into writing daily again. The cards have words like purpose, courage, synthesis, etc.

Don't really know if I'm enough of a word master to come up with intersections between these words and my life, but I'll give it a shot. So, the first word is Adventure.

I guess whenever I hear that word I wince and think this word surely has nothing to do with me. I don't think of myself as much of an adventurer. It brings up the word risk along with it and I definitely don't think of myself as a risk taker. When I did a psych assessment before I entered the ministry, the psychologist who interviewed me said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. She reminded me that there are all sorts of adventure and risk. Not just one of physical endangerment, but anytime we try something new or different. When I think of it that way, I realize I jump in to adventure all the time....moved to California when I was 20 and not knowing a soul except my husband (now ex-husband). Had 3 jobs, graduated from college, and started a career in an industry in which I had no training or knowledge. By the time I was 30 I had lived in 7 different places, divorced and remarried.
Adventures are still happening...anything that involves physical, emotional or financial risk can be termed an adventure. I tend to take more than my share of financial risks....just ask my husband! Adventure involves excitement, journey, the unknown and an awareness that we are not always in control. Oh drat! I like being in control.

Who knows, maybe this next writing project is in and of itself an "adventure." We'll see!

the holidays are upon me

Literally, I feel as if it is crushing me. This is the time of year when we feel ourselves trying to keep pace with advertisements, shopping schedules, costco lines, shipping stores, etc. The spirit of the season seems all but lost to me. Is it any wonder so many of us are sick or just generally dragging during this time of year. I want to stop. I don't want to decorate my whole house or fill my cart with gifts that none of us really need, and I really, really, really don't want to eat and drink myself into oblivion. This is sooooo hard! All the yummy goods, special meals, festive occasions. I MUST think of other ways to celebrate. Well, as a pastor, that shouldn't be too hard, right? ho ho ho....Merry Christmas!

no more cleansing but.....

So, I have completed the 28 days. I am through but I'm not finished. I feel good, although I must say that I had this quirky think with heart palpitations and I'm not sure it was related to the diet/food intake or if it is my hormones. Fortunately, it passed. I found another really cool food, though. Costco has 6 packs of brown rice in bowls that are microwaveable. How cool is that. Then I mixed in a bit of salmon and a tablespoon of almond butter (replaces peanut butter) and a few shakes of sweet chinese pepper sauce from TJs...sort of like a fake Thai dish. yummmmmmy! We are heading into a very tempting season and a very busy one for many of us, but especially those who are in ministry. I pray that I and others can stay healthy so that we may serve well and be well.
Peace and grace to all.

Being a pastor is weird

I think I have mentioned previously that ministry is a strange kind of work. Well, this past week was no exception. It began with attending an advanced meditation class at a Buddhist monastery. I was in such a wonderful frame of mind when I got in my car. However I managed to pick up my electronic leash, otherwise known as a Blackberry, to see that I had a message from a member at the church who had recently had surgery. So, I thought I should call her. She was in a state of shock and shared with me that 4 friends of her daughter's (all in their late teens) had been in a horrible auto accident the previous night and all of them were in the hospital. So much for the Zen state, low blood pressure, etc. I went into the office but knew that I'd be driving about 45 minutes to the hospital later that afternoon. I had to decide that the young woman I was meeting for lunch who has been visiting our church for about 4 months was also a priority and I would not cancel. So, on to the office, then off to lunch. She had all sorts of interesting questions about the devil, what one has to do to get baptized and a few others I can not remember. I left there and drove to the hospital. Met lots of folks, talked, listened, prayed, etc. That was Tuesday.

Wednesday morning I left the house at 7:30 to attend a committee on preparation meeting. Led games at an inquirer retreat, talked about a variety of issues, then left. Stopped at the hospital to see a woman who had broken her hip. While I was there, I noticed there was a lot of activity and the nurses were talking in medical speak. Finally, the RN told me, after I said I was her pastor, that they were moving her to ICU as her blood pressure had been way too low for the last 24 hours. So, I talked, prayed, listened, assessed, called daughter and ultimately left the hospital. Then, I talked about nominating officers when I got back to the office. Ran to make sure the video was ready so that I could teach a class about faith and politics at 7 pm that evening. Class ended at 9, then I talked to a member for about 40 minutes and left for home ....a 14 hour day

Thursday I knew I had to do a few things and cancelled bible study. Worked on two sermons, wrote some emails, read my mail, participated in a conference call, counseled a member about her aging mother, and left the office at a decent hour. Came home and watched Gray's Anatomy.....like I needed to watch someone else's trauma and drama !?

Friday I got up and walked to meet my covenant group friend so that we could drive to the seminary to provide leadership at their Friday chapel communion service. I preached, two of my members led and a 4th provided hospitality of coffee and scones following the service. We had a meeting with the VP for alumni relations and headed home. Then, I saw my family and headed off to a workshop on progressive Christianity. Home by 9:40

Saturday worked on sermon and then walked to the church for installment two of the conference. Came home and had dinner with family. Now am vegging in front of a computer.
A friend of mine told me tonight that I need to slow down....ya think!?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 27

You can see that my posts have been less frequent these last few days. And I can say that today, day 27, was not a very good food day. I like the shakes a LOT more when they are cold, icy, and blended is even better. This makes the taking with harder when I'm not going to be in a place that has ice, a blender etc. So, today I had a meeting and the foods were croissant sandwiches, cookies, potato chips and pasta salad. boo! Usually I'm in places where there is at least something that is salvageable. My compromise was to have a half of the sandwich and bypass the rest of the food...there were veggies and protein at least. I left the rest!!! Then tonight I took a prospective elder to dinner. That was both easier and more difficult. Had a protein and left half. The salad had a few beets but mostly arugula (love it!) and water. Okay, so maybe today wasn't really so bad.

Tomorrow is definitely not my last day. I am going to strive to be in control of food, and not let it control me. I will deal with my emotions (happy, sad, depressed, bored, busy, celebratory) BEFORE I eat!!!! I'll also say a prayer before I eat anything.

On a side bar, I had a marvelous experience on Tuesday morning. A friend invited me to his advanced Buddhist meditation time up at Buddha Gate Monastery in Lafayette. WOW! I have to say the ritual and mantra chant were weird to me, but the space to be in communal silence, total silence, for 30 minutes was completely amazing. My friend told me I could sit on the side, but I decided I would challenge myself to sit on the floor, cross legged and even do the prostration. I simple prayed my own prayers. Funny thing, though, the end of the chant is "Gate gate, para gate, parasamgate, Boddhi Svaha" The funny thing is that when I was in Chamber Choir at LOPC, we sang a song with this Buddhist chant. It made me giggle inside and I found it helpful to use those words that mean nothing to me to keep myself from doing the wandering mind, make a grocery list instead of being still. I was so peaceful and calm and really felt in a zone....however, my big mistake was to get in my car and glance at my cell phone. I now know that anytime I do anything like this, I should wait 30 more minutes before jumping back into the techno world....it was an emergency call about an auto accident and 4 young people related to my church community. I know my blood pressure soared at that moment and the Zen (both literal and figurative) leaped out of me in an instant. Sigh. It is soooooo difficult to stay centered. Nonetheless, I was refreshed, renewed and reenergized, if only for a few fleeting moments!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 24

Oh my goodness, my brain and my heart are so full. I have had an incredible two days and very little of it has to do with food, my body or anything physical. In some ways it is easy for me to forget about those things when life gets rolling. I need to watch out for that bi-polar relationship with food - I can tend to swing from focus and attention to how I am taking care of myself and what goes into my mouth, to a complete ignorance of self-care and monitoring my intake. This is not a great swing.

Yesterday I co-led retreat with 30 plus women from my church. Amazing! Such a deep caring for one another and a desire to be in community. Food there was okay....veggies, a bit of meat from the pasta dish and some fruit. Last night David made chicken skewers and vegetables on the grill. Yummy!!!! I find I do best with a shake or two a day and two moderate to small meals.

Today was one of those days that was full to the brim. Worship and preaching, then an afternoon full of writing liturgies for Advent, followed by two visits with octogenarians who have both suffered from falls. It was such a contrast - one of them is so sad and so tired and really doesn't have the fight to keep going. The other one had just recovered from a broken hip, and fell on Friday and broke the OTHER hip. She is determined to go through surgery, rehab, and get herself back to full strength and use no walking aids (this may not be the wisest thing for her!). In both cases, I just felt so incredibly blessed and humbled to be these women's pastor.
God is so good....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 22

Oh my goodness, less than a week to go, but not really. I've made a strong commitment to myself that I need to stay with this program. It's working for me and in so many ways. I'm feeling much closer to myself and to God. I have more time for prayer and contemplation because I'm not thinking about food all the time! It's such freedom. Also, my attachment to things is loosening as well. Hallelujah! Free at last! I'm on my way.....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 20

I made a decision to fast from the computer during our Sabbath retreat. I left my phone in my room and only looked at it twice a day. The food was a challenge, but I had many successes. I did not eat the superb smelling pizza, cookies, cake, pecan pie (a favorite of mine). But I did feast on amazing reflections, the good fellowship of colleagues, laughter at dinner, and beautiful candlelight in the seminary chapel. I feel "fat" on God! One of the things we talked about in our retreat, the first movement of Sabbath, was stopping. I think that is so important in balanced eating. Being aware enough to stop before taking a bit, planning a menu, shopping at the grocery store, etc.

A poem

Busy
frantic, chaotic, out of control
It's a rat race but I am not a rat
I'm a human being, not a human doing
Slow me down
Make me stop
s l o w m e d o w nnnnnnnnn.
stop

28 Day Cleanse - Day 17

Wow, the days are speeding by. Only one word for today: Headache! Ouch ouch ouch. Just when I thought I was over the hump, the effects of the cleanse rear their ugly heads again. I will not be defeated, though. I ask for prayers for these next 3 days as I am on retreat with a number of other pastors in the Presbytery. These events are notorious for snacks and wine and other spirits. I pray for will power and perseverance. Tomorrow I will write a more lengthy reflection. Good night and be well.....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 16

Happy Anniversary to us! We spent the day at the beach and then had dinner with friends. This was a day that was more about what I didn't do than what I did. It was just too much of a hassle to take shakes and stuff with me, as we weren't going to be staying over and have any access to kitchen, ice, etc. I did a shake this morning and then for lunch hubby and I shared a sushi combo with sashimi. For dinner I had an incredible spinach with grilled chicken and sour apples and walnut salad. No cheese, no dressing and it was fabulous. Then I passed right by the dark chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and had a cup of decaf instead. Pretty dang impressed with myself!!!! It was a fabulous day and it was not about food, but about beauty, friendship and love.

28 Day Cleanse - Days 14 and 15

Oops! I was sooooo whipped last night after two 12 hour work days that I simply went from the front door to bed last evening. Did not pass go, did not collect $200 and did not blog. I do feel as if my body is adjusting to the chemical changes. I realize I have put my body through a lot of them....no dairy, no refined sugars, no wheat, limited fats, and no alcohol. That's a lot of change in a short amount of time. I think the comment SK made on my last post, the one about feasting on things besides food is a very good one. So, what does a feasting lifestyle look like? I think we've forgotten what feasting really means. Instead, we've replaced it with the idea of too much is what we live for. Overdoing it. Going for all the gusto. Eating the whole enchilada. Having one's cake and eating it too. This is not feasting.....it's gluttony. Don't go whole hog....instead, savor, enjoy, delight, take joy in the small things. A very long time ago I was in a Weight Watchers program with probably the only good leader I ever had. One of her quotes was "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I'm not sure I totally believe that, but perhaps we'd all be better off to heed the sentiment of the saying. Addiction to gratification, whether it be food, substances, material possessions, even human relationships, is never a good thing. Augustine said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." Some might say it's an overused phrase, but I think it isn't until we heed it's call.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 13

Unlucky 13! I made the mistake of getting on the scale today. Before you draw any conclusions from that, I've actually lost about 10 pounds! Wow!!! I'm so surprised. The reason I call it a mistake is that I really don't want it to be about the weight. I don't want to get drawn into the whole number thing. I don't want to judge my success or failure on how much weight I lose in 28 days. In fact, that would be very bad because if I do really well, I might be less likely to want to continue. I know that sounds crazy, but there is this bizarre brain activity that goes on for me that is like self-sabotage. If I do really well for a while, then I start to think, "hmmmm, it won't hurt if I just eat like a normal person for a while." I feel as if the 3 margaritas and the cheezy burrito really won't do harm. Then that turns into the yummy birthday cake with 3 inches of frosting....etc etc etc. So, I'm trying to just forget about the scale. I'll get on again at the end of the 28 days and see where I am, but until then, I want to focus on my attitude, my relationships and my health.

Continuing with the cognitive dissonance I am living with as I continue to prepare for the "Spirituality of Food" retreat, I am reading a book by Robert Farrar Capon entitled the "Supper of the Lamb." In it he gives an entire treatise that makes a case for butter. He treats each recipe and manner of food preparation as sacrament. It's fascinating and almost as tantalizing as watching the opening of Julie and Julia, where Meryl Streep (Julia) is tasting the fish in the restaurant. It's sensual and worshipful and pure delight! I guess what I'm wondering is how I can reconcile the fasting with the feasting. Any ideas?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 12

I'm almost half way done with the cleanse. I've stayed off the paleo product and just doing shakes and the rest of the plan. I feel good and good about it. I think it is important to know one's limits. I'd rather be successful and realistic, than unrealistic and fail. I can say that some of my pants are loose again and that's okay, but still not the main point.

This is a day that I feel my limitations in body, mind and spirit. God give me strength!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 11

Isaiah 55

Invitation to the Thirsty

¹ "Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

² Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

This is the passage that has been holding my attention. Nothing much more to say. What does it say to you?

28 Day Cleanse - Day 10

I'm already at day 10. I can't believe it. Last night was the Octoberfest at my church and it was a challenge, but I think I did as well as could be expected. No dessert, no bread, no beer with a taste of the potatoes, one brautwurst and some very low cal sauerkraut. I personally LOVE sauerkraut. I know I'm weird.

Today was a fabulous day but I was really hungry, the reason being that I went on the CROP walk today. Nearly 5 miles of walking when all was said and done. With having been sick and the like, I had not done a walk of that length in nearly 3 weeks. I was certainly feeling it. Still struggling with the cleansing product. The formula is supposed to clean out toxins in the liver and colon and such. I guess this is the part on which I'm not completely sold. However, if it was easy to drink, eat, etc, I would not complain and give it a shot. I got some herb stuff at Whole Foods that is supposed to do the same. One day at a time is my motto.

Tonight I sauteed some eggplant (grown in a church member's garden), had brown rice and sugar snap peas and canned salmon. It sounds gross, but it was tasty. I'm becoming a big fan of the one bowl meal. What is difficult is imagining what happens when the 28 days is over. I'm starting to eat differently, but I'm not sure how realistic it is. Portion sizes are and always have been the key. Diet and exercise. There is no magic formula. What is amazing is the lengths we will go to tell ourselves that there is something else that will do the trick. Silly people!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 9

I like the fact that I'm almost to double digits. So, I tried the quinoa cereal with the paleo cleanse. No go. Seriously, I choked down 4 bites and couldn't do the rest. I think cleansing is a good idea, but I'm convinced that God did not want us to eat nasty tasting stuff. There's just too much really good stuff to eat to have that make sense to me. Brown rice was with steamed zucchini slices and some prawns scattered on top. Healthy, hearty, now that's what I'm talkin' about!

I am really considering what to do about the cleanse powder. My next stop is to try to just do a chug of the minimum 8 oz of liquid followed by a chaser of lemon water. Praise God for choices.

This is the thought that I have carried with me through the day:
"When the flesh is satisfied it is hard to pray with cheerfulness or to devote oneself to a life of service which calls for much self-renunciation" (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship, New York: Macmillan Publ. Co., 1949, p. 189).

28 Day Cleanse - Day 8

So, I have completed one week and am on to week two. In retrospect, last week was pretty good. Today I started adding a product that is called Paleo Cleanse. Gross! Disgusting! Awful! I was pretty discouraged. Tried putting this product in my shakes and almost couldn't hack it. But I started reading some of the recipes again and found I can add it to a quinoa cereal for breakfast. I figure that may be more palatable for me. The product container says to use it with 8 ounces of water. I think it may be better for me to just "chug" one of those down a day than try to tolerate with other seemingly good tasting things.

Another serendipitous happening during this 28 day journey is that I am walking with some members of my church in the Church World Service CROP walk.
What is a CROP Hunger Walk? you ask:
Neighbors walking together to take a stand against hunger in our world. Together we raise awareness and funds for international relief and development, as well as local hunger-fighting
I've raised $190 and our church has raised over $500. We're small and that seems like a drop in the bucket, but if everyone pitches in, we can do amazing things. Also, I'm looking forward to doing something that focuses outside of myself and toward serving others.

I pray for all who are hungry and tired and homeless....

28 Day Cleanse - Day 7

Coming to the end of week one. Someone on the introductory conference call said that one can do anything for 28 days. I feel like the timing of this was absolutely perfect for me. I have a couple of major challenges coming up. Saturday is our church's Octoberfest....complete with bratwurst, german potatoes, some yummy apple dessert and beer. I can walk past the beer and I guess I can eat the sauerkraut, but I can only have a taste of anything else, or not at all. I'm waiting til Saturday morning to make my final decision.

The next challenge (and prayer request) is a bit more formidable. I will be at a retreat October 26-28. Fortunately, we're staying in a building with a kitchen, so I can pack my stuff. I'll just have to be diligent to stay away from all the snacks that seem to pile up at such events. It is a Sabbath retreat, so the spiritual side of me will be getting significant nourishment.

I'm still battling a head cold or something??? Wondering if it is a result of the change in habits. Then I wonder if my body is working too hard in the direction of metabolism to fight the illness. Ahhhhhhh, I can do anything for 28 days and then I'll assess. I think there is a lot in this that I can continue on the journey toward making peace with food and God.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 6

So, today I hit a wall. I must admit, I'm a carbohydrate addict. I wanted sugar so badly today. Like a smoker who goes searching all the drawers for a cigarette when trying to quit, I was looking all over my office for something sweet. Rats! I found something. The seasonal sugary item: Candy Corn. I love those little orange, yellow and white confections. I can't explain it either. Okay, so before you become completely overcome with sympathy or disappointment, I only ate 5 of them. Then I stopped and realized that I'm only hurting myself. Put those dreadful little temptations out of sight and went about my day.

I think it is sort of ironic that I am preparing for a Women's Retreat in January that is entitled Soul Food: The Spirituality of Eating. It's about gratitude, justice, hospitality and celebration/feasting. I talk a bit about fasting as well. So, while I am changing my ways, I'm reading books and watching films about food. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 5

So, there is something else that I am fasting from in these 28 days. The people who know me well know I love to shop. I am not a collector like my mom, but when I'm really honest with myself, there is a part of her in my desiring to have nice stuff, fun stuff, clothes and shoes for all occasions, etc. So, I decided that while doing this 28 day body reset, that I would refrain from shopping. I am limiting my spending to groceries, gas and minimal entertainment like a night at the movies. I don't think it's good for me to eliminate all enjoyment when I'm limiting myself in the food department. Instead, my goal is to find ways to have fun, be with friends, and even go out by myself and not go shopping or not make food the main event. 5 days into this and I am not feeling withdrawals.

This morning I was reading Sojourners verse of the day, and it was Isaiah 55:10-11:
¹⁰For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, ¹¹so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
Several amazing things about this. Sunday the choir at my church sang an anthem set to this text. Also, while I was reading it, it was pouring rain outside my window. Finally, this is a part of Isaiah's prophecies that has been especially meaningful to me and my covenant group (three other women colleagues). Today there was much more focus on the spirit than the flesh.

Day 4 addendum

One of my readers asked what sort of starchy veggies I am eating. Here is a sampling:

• Parsnip
• Plantain
• Sweet Potato or Yam
  
• Pumpkin
• Acorn squash
• Butternut squash
• Green Peas
• Corn

Also, some good grains and other choices include:

• Triticale
• Millet
• Quinoa
• Brown rice
• Whole rye
• Whole grain barley
• Wild rice
• lentils
• dried beans
  

28 Day Cleanse - Day 4

Well, today was a good day mostly. I had a brown rice dry cereal with unsweetened almond mild and truvia (brand name of stevia sweetener). I am a big cereal lover and was glad to find this alternative. It's filling. The shakes are boring but we get to mix them up with lots of fun things like frozen berries (low sugar fruit) or unsweetened cocoa. So, I had a chocolate shake with fiber boost and some almond milk. Yummy. Lunch was spinach and cage free eggs plus some berries. And lots and lots and lots of water. Did I mention lots of water.

The not good part is the nasty cold I have. It would be very easy for me to feed this misery. That's my normal pattern. I tend to eat healthy stuff, but often too much of a good thing. It's no wonder we Americans are overweight. Everywhere you turn someone is trying to get you to eat footlong Subways, large BBQ chicken pizzas piled with cheese, $6 burgers and so on. I think this is the reason that when I go to a French restaurant I'm more satisfied. Often the plates are small, but the flavors are rich and varietal. Possibly one of the tricks is to eat really good things. I'm discovering quinoa, lentils, fresh lean meats and lots and lots of veggies.
It could be worse.

My spirit is a bit low today. I helped the congregation say goodbye to one of our members today. This is two services in three days. One of our members asked me who pastors the pastor after one of these services. Very good and insightful question. I try to be balanced and keep my eye on self-care, but as the only pastor of a small church, it's harder than it sounds. All things are possible with God!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 3+

So if you all that I was going to breeze thru this 28 days and tell you it is easy to stay this disciplined, you're wrong! In addition to the focus required, the body is working hard to adjust to this regimen. But what makes it easier is actually focusing on the important things. It is not lost on me that I am privileged to do a program like this. I am actually inducing hunger. So many in the world have no choice but to be hungry.

Yesterday I was previewing a video series called "Liberty and Justice For All" by Logos Productions. One of the presenters is the late Dr. M. Scott Peck of "The Road Less Traveled" fame. At one point he was talking about how the media has instilled in us that the goal in life is to be comfortable. He goes on to say that it is growth that he think is life's purpose. What was both maddening and laughable is that he is telling this to his interviewer (another white male) while they sit in comfy lawn furniture in a lush garden with a huge traditional white home showing in the background. Who is he to preach about comfort?! Who are any of us, for that matter?

Well, I digress, but it takes my mind of hunger and food and the head cold that is in its infancy. Whenever I change eating patterns, I get a cold. Oh well, all a part of the process.
God comforts the distressed and disquiets the comfortable!

28 Day Cleanse - Day 2

Got up and made a multi-grain cereal with some unsweetened almond milk. One of the funny things about this plan is that you have a thing called "Wake Up!" You're supposed to get up and drink some water and tea and maybe a fizzy tab. Are you kidding me?! Since I went to bed hungry, don't they realize that the first thing I want to do when I get up is eat!? Seriously.
However, the hunger makes me much more aware of my body.

I had a shake for lunch. For dinner was two out of three. Yummy turbot and some great starchy veggies from Trader Joe's. However, the salad was a big fail. I think that cooking these veggies is more the way to go for me. I like dressing. Plain and simple. But I'm not so crazy about salad, so eating veggies in other ways is okay with me.

Back to the body awareness: Yesterday I had a headache. Today no headache. Yesterday I was a bit light headed. Today less so. The new less than pleasing side effect is a really awful taste in my mouth. What is that about?

God awareness: Nothing much to report. I led a memorial service this morning. I was certainly aware of the presence of God and my openness to follow God's lead. It's like being in the zone.
I am going to go to bed, pray for strength and go to sleep with a realization that millions of God's children go to bed hungry.

28 Day Cleanse - Day 1

So, maybe this is just what it will take for me to write more regularly. I've just started a program that was recommended to me by a friend. It's called Metabolic Edge. It is a combination of very basic foods (organic lean meats, limited starchy veggies, low sugar fruits, unlimited leafy greens and other non-starchy veggies, etc), protein shakes and other products from Figure 8 by Arbonne, and a paleo cleanse product that is used after day 7 and increases to a 4 day liquid only and then reverses the trend til the end of the 28 days. It's about gratitude, doing what is good for my body, understanding what foods I may actually be allergic to, and personally, trying to spend less time focusing on food and more time focusing on God. They say when you're hungry, think drink not food (non-alcoholic, mind you). I'm adding think God. The way I look food, I can only imagine I'm going to have a LOT of God time!!!!
My plan is to blog daily and to reflect upon my changing relationship to food and to God.

P.S. I appreciate people's thoughts and concerns. I do not believe this is a program that compromises my health.

Day 1 in the very early morning

I'm sitting at the computer at 6:24 am with cereal in hand. We are scheduled to leave the parking lot at 7ish. We have an 8+ hour drive ahead today. Our destination is Sisters, OR. I am wishing we could take the unseasonably cool weather with us to the heat parched Northwest! I have never gone on a trip like this and been less prepared. Usually, I'm a leader/coordinator/driver/organizer. This week, I'm simply an advisor and a parent. I am looking forward to less stress and less responsibility (we'll see how that works for me!) I pray for safe travels, willing service, transformed lives and openness for whatever God has in store.

Correction

Oops! Campbell Farms has a new website http://www.campbellfarmwa.org/ See their Wish List for opportunities to send them charitable donations! I need to pack right now....unfortunately, there is no room for a portable air conditioner!!!! Eastern Washington is hot, hot, hot!

Mission Trip to Campbell Farms

On Saturday morning at 7 am, I will depart from Lafayette with the youth group and their advisors from Lafayette Orinda Presbyterian Church.  3 of the other members of this mission delegation are my family (husband David and daughters Allison and Shannon).  I did a mental calculation and figured that between the 4 of us, we’ve done nearly 30 mission trips in the US, Mexico and Latin America, but never has that trip been with all 4 of us present.  So, this is a first.  It will be Allison’s last as a high school student.  We are going to Wapato, WA to Campbell Farms, a Native American reservation that is a working farm (entirely self sustaining). http://www.winbeam.com/~campbellfarm/

I hope to be able to provide some photos and other reflections from the week.  But first, I have to get my head around packing!  Right now my main prayer is that the heat wave of the Northwest subsides and that my heart is open and my hands willing to serve. 

saying goodbye

It's hard work to say goodbye and today, we do so as a church community. We bid farewell to a beloved pastor, loving sister and aunt, devoted colleague and friend to many, The Rev. Linda Ellen Regan. As a pastor at the church we she served and where she is the Pastor Emerita, I feel overwhelmed with that nagging feeling that I am not up to the task of helping others say goodbye. So much loss, so much grief, so much pain....what can I say? What can I do? I know it's not about me, but as a human being, I have the capacity to make it so. I must trust God to see me and the community through this time.

Linda's own Statement of Faith says, "Through grace: God's unconditional, undeserved, unearned love, I believe...." So I shall stand and claim that grace for myself and all others, for nothing, no nothing, can separate us from God's love.

I've been installed

Just like a new Kenmore washer and dryer set, I've been what they call in the Presbyterian Church (USA), installed as the called pastor of Clayton Valley Presbyterian Church. Many people have said to me, "Did you get a new church? I didn't know you were searching?" No, I did not. I've been at CVPC since October 2007. I came in as a Temporary Supply Pastor (sort of like the ones they get off the shelf at the big box store...you know, the ones where you can buy the pastor of your dreams?) Seriously, it has been a long journey for me and for the church, but it is finally a call.
Many of the members of the church have asked me if I was excited for this to be completed. Hmmmm, excited? Maybe a better word would be relieved. Also, this is not the culmination of the call. It feels like that happened months ago. I love this church. I love the people. I love the work. I see so much to be done. I know that all will not be easy. I understand my own brokenness and the brokenness of the church. In all of it, I see God. Excited, not really. Ecstatic with God's overwhelming Spirit....Absolutely!

apologies to anyone who reads

I am sorry for being absent for so long. Advent, Christmas and a horrible cold virus got the best of me! I'm just starting to feel a bit more human. As I am emerging from the fog, the stuffy nose, the itchy eyes and all the general malaise of illness, I discover that the world around me is pretty much as messed up as it was before I went into my "cave." I'm most interested right now in the ways that conflicts so far away impact the way we treat each other locally. All of this occurs as I'm crafting a grant proposal for Worship Renewal that has a central theme and focus on justice within worship and worship that moves the worshipers into acts of justice. We fool ourselves if we think the matters and the conflicts of the world do not impact us. Furthermore, we cannot despair such global acts when we treat our neighbors, families, friends and strangers in ways that destroy, disrespect and literally tear each other apart. I suppose that I could say that I myself am both blessed and cursed by the ability to see both sides. It often leaves me looking wishy washy or uncommitted or cowardly. I so desperately desire for there to be a way for people to disagree with one another and not be mean, vindictive or hateful about it. Instead of wiping out hatred or war or disunity, it comes down to eradicating fear. And to do that, people have to have what they need to feel "safe." It's such a vicious circle.

All of this angst caused me to turn to Daniel Berrigan's book, Prayer for the Morning Headlines.
Here is one of his offerings:
Miracles
Were I God almighty, I would ordain, rain fall lightly where old men trod, no death in childbirth, neither infant nor mother, ditches firm fenced against the errant blind, aircraft come to ground like any feather. No mischance, malice, knives. Tears dried. Would resolve all flaw and blockage of mind that makes us mad, sets lives awry. So I pray, under the sign of the world's murder, the ruined son; why are you silent? feverish as lions hear us in the world, caged, devoid of hope. Still, some redress and healing. The hand of an old woman turns gospel page; it flares up gently, the sudden tears of Christ.

How might such miracles be realized?