Writer's Block

What does one do when the resistance is so great? How do we move beyond the point where we are certain we have nothing worth saying? What happens when the doubts creep in? The creative killers are stalking you at every corner. You're not a writer, no one cares about what you have to say, no one has commented on your blog in weeks, and on and on goes the negative tape.

It's like so much other work that requires discipline and regular endeavor - keep writing, keep painting, keep singing, keep playing, keep dancing. A friend of mine used to say that there were only two times that you should exercise -- when you feel like it and when you don't! Such is the case with artistic and spiritual endeavors. Just keep after it. The fruits are not always evident, but they will emerge. One cannot reap if one does not sow.

Why being a pastor is a strange profession

1. For starters, almost all my friends and family start to get more excited for the weekend, as Friday approaches. Even if I have Saturday away from work, the impending sermon to preach on Sunday morning is never far from me
2. Then, Monday morning arrives and almost all of my family and friends are off to work and school, while I am doing my best to practice Sabbath
3. We pastors spend a lot of time talking about and being around stuff that most people try to avoid - sickness, death, brokenness, divorce, addiction, loss of faith, etc.
4. This is not a job - if I were an accountant, most likely, I could stop counting beans at the end of the day. If I were a construction worker, I'd come home and be a mom, a wife, and all the other hats a woman wears, but I'd probably no longer do stuff that resembled being a construction worker. However, as a pastor, the role and the person don't separate very easily. Even if I can extricate myself internally, as soon as I step out my front door, and encounter another person, I most often am treated as pastor.
5. The chain of command and assessment of one's work is often elusive and intangible.
6. I get paid to do stuff like pray, read, talk to people, listen to people, pray some more. That doesn't sound like a job to most people.

You may wonder what has led me down this path of reflection....well, today was Monday, my day off. However, a beloved and significant member of our congregation had open heart surgery today. So, after some down time in the morning, I found myself in a hospital waiting room with family members, hoping for good news. The news was good. A first hurdle - coming out of surgery, having the doctor say he was "pleased" with the results, etc. After some time, the family going into see their father and husband, I left to resume my day off. I was distracted by my Blackberry and missed the fact that an elevator was open and a man asked me if I was going down. He probably asked me a couple of times before I came to. I joked about the question should be am I even awake and alert. When we got to the lobby and got off together, he stopped and commented how crazy this was. He said his mother was having open heart surgery, and he was going downstairs to meet his brother-in-law who was in emergency. I could see the look of distress and sheer panic on his face. Without skipping a beat, I told him I was a pastor and asked him if he would like me to pray with him. What!!????? Oh my gosh, this was not me, Gail, asking this, it was surely God. This is who I have become, not who I am! I was standing next to him, hand on his shoulder, and praying something, before I even had really thought about the implications of such an offer, or what I would say. His wife and daughter were just coming around the corner when I was finishing and I'm sure that must have been shocking to see some strange woman with a hand on their father/husband, but once they got the story, their faces were both relieved and grateful.

Then, I walked on out the door and to my car and hoped that I was going to resume my day off...but at that point, doing so with much less certainty because being a pastor is a strange profession.

life is not for the faint-hearted

A parishoner recently told me that getting old is not for the faint of heart. I think I know exactly what he means. The longer I live, the more I realize how fragile, tenuous and uncertain this earthly life really is. Some of us have been shielded from that reality for a longer time than others.
I marvel at how unscathed I have been up to this point in my life. However, there comes a time, when we all realize the blessings and the troubles are pretty random occurrences.
My dad died in December, and what comes with that, in addition to grief and loss, is the stark and shocking idea that I am not getting younger. Aging parents, children in their teens, a few more wrinkles and aches and pains than just a few years ago, and so goes the list.
I also recognize that on my good days, on those days when I'm really aware and alive and present to the moments, that all this mortality and fragility awareness makes me so much more grateful for the moments and days......
for a beautiful dinner with friends,
for coffee and meditation on my balcony in the crisp, fall air,
for the comforts of home,
for a husband who is loving and caring,
for a place to serve and be challenged and share my gifts,
for the freedom to express myself,
for countless ways in which I feel loved and embraced by God.

The Economy

I find money to be one of the most disturbing and puzzling matters for humanity. Maybe it's just me, but it seems that it is one of those things that is given so much attention and in the end, it often gives so little back. I'm also astonished when there is a disaster or some other really important event that happens, and so often, one of the first things that is talked about is how much money it will cost to recover or what the damages were. It seems like such a superficial way to value and describe life happenings. There is so much attention being given to the economy right now, as the stock market took another slide today. Our dependence and the fact that this can unravel us and make so many people edgy or downright panicked seems to say a lot about who we are as a people. Where do we put our trust? What is it that gives our lives meaning? How do we value ourselves and others? I seriously doubt that dollar signs will do the trick!

The Holy Spirit is an harpist

And all strings

Which are touched in Love

Must sound.

- Mechtild of Magdeberg

Pluck the strings of my soul and make music to the spheres

Play me like a finely tuned instrument.

I must sound.

Sing

Laugh

Cry

Tune my strings to one another and to the orchestra of life

Play me gently, softly, slowly

Then there will be

Harmony

Balance

Serenity

Sightread the Spirit of God into every note of my being

Improvise and scat all over my life

So I’ll know

Joy

Playfulness

Delight

Compose an original symphony of a diverse and creative life

Beat the drum of justice

On my heart

Peace

Peace

Peace

Remember

I find this day brings me to a place of both sadness and hope. Sadness for all the lost opportunities.
Sadness because we don't seem like we've gotten very far. Sadness for all the lives lost. Sadness for war. Sadness for hunger. Sadness for poverty. Sadness for a lack of caring. Sadness for what is lacking. Sadness.....

I also have hope. Hope that change is around the corner. Hope for new leadership. Hope for our children. Hope for the transforming power of Christ. Hope for things not seen. Hope for folks to stand in solidarity for those without hope. Hope that there is a better way and a brighter tomorrow. Hope that springs eternal....rising from ashes, rising from dust, rising from all that looks lost and despairing. Hope!

The Dragonfly

I was so excited about this picture, but now, I see that the light was not right. All in all, though, it's so amazing just to be able to stand next to a creature like this and take its picture. I just stood there mesmerized by how still it was for a very long time. Almost as if it was attached to the petal of the rose. Not afraid, nowhere to go, no reason to move....just sitting there being a dragonfly. I am not much of a photographer and maybe only a bit more of a writer, but both of them teach me more about being me. So, one of God's creatures lent me just a bit more insight on what it could mean to be human. Thanks, Mr. Dragonfly (or is that Ms.?)

Sunday afternoon musings of a weary pastor

* Ministry in the church is hard work.
* Ministry in the church is really hard work!
* Sometimes the more we try, the less we accomplish.
* God is generally one giant mystery to me.
* Bay Area sports are no longer the joyful diversion from life's daily trials.
* Community organizing sounds like a pretty good work to me.
* Did I mention that ministry in the church is hard work?
* Sabbath is not an option.
* Beauty will save the world.
* Yes We Can!
* Joy does not come in the morning for all of us ;-)
* I need the patience of Job, the humility of Mother Theresa, the prophetic power of Martin Luther King Jr, the financial prowess of Bill Gates, the entrepreneurial abilities of Steve Jobs, the creativity of Twyla Tharp and direct lineage from Jesus, then, maybe then, I'd be a great pastor. Then again, maybe not!

The Rose Garden