Angel Cards - Day 8 Purification

So, I have a beef. I know that some of you read this from time to time. Some of you have even commented when I stop that you haven't seen me post in a while. However, none of you seem to comment on the blog itself. I find that extremely irritating! It's like putting something into the air and having it just disappear. I'm a relational person, so I lose the motivation to write if no one says anything. Please.....make a comment even if it's "Gail, this writing sucks." Well, maybe not that extreme and rude....

So, the word for the last 3 days has been Purification! I HATE this word. It has very negative connotations for me. It implies elimination and that whatever is being purified is bad, thus the need for eliminating whatever that bad substance is. I realize it also has biblical and ecclesiastical meaning, as in "preserving the peace, unity and purity of the church." Perhaps I've just never understood this. What can possibly be pure about a church? It's made up of a bunch of human beings.

Then there is the Purification Codes of the Old Testament....oy, don't get me started. It's just all this white, pure, unblemished talk that give me the creeps. I don't suppose a Protestant minister should even be saying this, but I don't care for people who believe it is their job to make the church, other people or the world pure. I'm pretty sure that any purifying to be done should be done by God! End of story....or not!

Angel Cards - Day 7 Beauty

Yes, it's been a few days. I took some time off for Christmas Eve, family meals and gatherings, and preparing for worship this morning.

Beauty is everywhere if we're willing to see it. I once wrote a theological piece on beauty according to Thomas Aquinas, for a church history/philosophy class. I'm not sure I still have that piece but the gist of it was that beauty is more than what we make it to be. It's createdness. It's about God calling creation good. Very, very good.

Beauty isn't just about the physical. I think I most often see beauty in emotions and sharing and incarnation. Today I saw beauty in invitation. We read Christmas stories in worship and the woman who read a story started to weep as she read The Winter's Tale and the part where the mare dies. Her husband died this summer. Then I got up to read the Pearl S. Buck story, Christmas Day in the Morning. It's about a man who gave his father a gift when he was a teenager. They lived on a farm and Christmas morning he got up and did all the chores before his father awoke. The man was now an adult and his father had died, but he still woke at 4a.m. and remembered the love and the gift that he shared. I choked because it reminded me of my father who died two years ago. He worked on the farm and woke early each morning to feed and water the livestock. I had read and rehearsed the story several times and did not make the connection. It was not until I was standing before the congregation, a community, the people I love and who (mostly) love me, that I had the revelation. To me, that is beauty.

Angel Cards - Day 6 Transformation

When I was going through a pretty rough time in my life, I was introduced to a poet named David Whyte. I was at a point where I was really searching and seeking to find who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. It was after seminary and I really thought I'd already figured that out (and spent an awful lot of time, energy and money doing so!) A dear and wise friend gave me a book of David's poetry. I read and listened to every thing he wrote. He spoke to me at the deepest core of my being in a way that I had not felt in a long time. It was very much a timing thing. Some of the stuff I go back to read now does not even begin to move me.

But transformation is a funny thing. I'm not always aware that I'm changing. I don't feel all that different from day to day. Then, something will cause me to look back over a longer stretch of time and I realize how far I've come. Not like I've "made it" or that the journey happens in a linear fashion, but that I've learned and changed. I've become more responsible than I was when I was 25. I'm more compassionate now that I'm a pastor. I am less afraid of death than when I was younger (odd, I know). I like being with people in crisis (I guess that's good for a pastor). I know that I'm a leader, but not stereotypically so. I have become and I'm still becoming....every single day. Let me share with you from a poet's perspective, one of the places I used to be. in the "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte:

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

Angel Cards - Day 5 Openness

A friend of mine suggested that I pull one of these angel cards in the morning so that I can carry the word with me throughout the day and write about where I saw or felt or experienced this word. I am not certain I am that smart or aware or articulate. I'm not even sure what openness looks like.

I do have this notion that openness is not singular. I think it doesn't occur in one person. In order for me to experience openness, there has to be some other person, being, or spirit that is reciprocating openness. However, I can't be aware of what is going on around me, within me or through me if I'm closed. This reminds me of the concept of the Trinity. Open and self giving. Love that always has an open seat at the table. The dancing circle that is always open for one more person to join the dance. Always. There is no way to close the circle.

Today I had breakfast with a friend who is going through a rough time. I hope I offered her openness and that the table we shared was love and there was room for others to sit, to speak and to dance.

Angel Cards - Day 4 Tenderness

Tenderness
Simplicity
Innocence
A baby's cheeks
Two people who've been married for over 50 years showing public displays of affection

Tenderness
Empathy
Feeling more than is humanly possible
A sympathetic smile
The scene from the Special Olympics where the runners help one of the other racers across the finish line

Tenderness
Sweetness
Gentleness
Charity
A friend who sits by your side while you cry your deepest sadness

Tenderness
Kindness
Love
Sweet sweet spirits
The one who understands when no one else does

Tenderness

Angel Cards - Day 3 Balance

Balance!? Balance!? Are you KIDDING me? You all, or at least most of you all, have absolutely no idea how ironic it is that I would draw this word today. First of all, this has been a key word for me for the last year or so. Prior to that, it was freedom. Balance is both a physical and a metaphoric challenge for me. I've always been a bit of a klutz, very un-athletic and well, I can't even ride a bike! So, when I was making a personal goal for myself last year, the word that arose was balance.

The other reason that balance is a challenge for me, is that I have a very difficult time saying no. I can an barely even form my lips around the word. I live with an illusion that every good thing I'm offered deserves a yes (this can be problematic when it comes to food, too). There must always be time to fit in just one more activity, job, speaking engagement, event or the like, into my already jam-packed schedule. If I weren't supposed to do all these things, God surely wouldn't not have allowed them to be presented to me, right?

Sigh, so I am constantly striving for balance in my life. Another irony of this is that while I hold little or no stock in the astrological signs, I am a Libra. Yeah, the sign of the scales. Balance, balance, balance. Supposedly we are people seek harmony, equality and balance. Yep, there is that word again. Honestly, when will it ever leave me alone?

I suppose this recurring theme would not be a big deal to me if I were even close to achieving it - balance, that is. For example, today, I arose at 8 am, got to church, rehearsed with the choir at 9 am. Checked in with the leaders of the Children's Pageant and the liturgists, welcomed folks to church at 10:30 a.m. and greeted folks at fellowship hour at 11:30 a.m. Left church at 12:15 pm. Took my daughter to Target to do some Christmas shopping and searched for 15 minutes but could not find parking. Decided we should make our way toward Davis via the Vacaville Outlet Malls so that she could find her gifts there. Shopped and had lunch. Got back on the freeway at 3:45 and went to the Mondavi Center for a 5 pm Chanticleer concert. Left there at 7ish and got to a restaurant where we met church members and friends for a dinner. Back in the car at 9 pm and home by 10 pm. Now, so that I might have some sense of balance in my life, I'm keeping my commitment to write at 10:32 pm. Miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep....zzzzzzz

Angel Cards - Day 2 Grace

What irony to receive this word - grace. First of all, I think it is one of the most difficult words to define. Google definitions says that grace is unmerited favor. It is also a prayer said before meals and a word to describe beautiful and effortless movement. When I think of grace, the first image that comes to my mind is dance. I am a huge fan of the ballet and most any form of dance. One of my favorite scriptures is the story of David dancing (naked even!) In a way, I see this image intertwined with unmerited favor. Grace is ephemeral - that is, short lived, beginnin or ending in a day. Yes, grace is eternal, but it is also found in fleeting moments.

Sometimes grace is only recognized or understood when it seems we no longer have grace. I can feel myself winding around and around and really not coming up with much. I know in my heart that my very life and all that is in it is a gift of grace, but I can't seem to put my mind around the idea that God would love me enough to offer that grace. I guess it is what we are put on earth to do....show that grace to others so that they might see it and God for themselves.

Angel Cards - Day 1 Adventure

I have found that a project or a theme is the best way for me to attack writing a blog. So, I've gone from the 28 day cleanse to Angel Cards. They're simply little word cards with pictures of angels on them. Just a thought starter, really. My friend game me her box and suggested it might be away for me to venture into writing daily again. The cards have words like purpose, courage, synthesis, etc.

Don't really know if I'm enough of a word master to come up with intersections between these words and my life, but I'll give it a shot. So, the first word is Adventure.

I guess whenever I hear that word I wince and think this word surely has nothing to do with me. I don't think of myself as much of an adventurer. It brings up the word risk along with it and I definitely don't think of myself as a risk taker. When I did a psych assessment before I entered the ministry, the psychologist who interviewed me said that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. She reminded me that there are all sorts of adventure and risk. Not just one of physical endangerment, but anytime we try something new or different. When I think of it that way, I realize I jump in to adventure all the time....moved to California when I was 20 and not knowing a soul except my husband (now ex-husband). Had 3 jobs, graduated from college, and started a career in an industry in which I had no training or knowledge. By the time I was 30 I had lived in 7 different places, divorced and remarried.
Adventures are still happening...anything that involves physical, emotional or financial risk can be termed an adventure. I tend to take more than my share of financial risks....just ask my husband! Adventure involves excitement, journey, the unknown and an awareness that we are not always in control. Oh drat! I like being in control.

Who knows, maybe this next writing project is in and of itself an "adventure." We'll see!

the holidays are upon me

Literally, I feel as if it is crushing me. This is the time of year when we feel ourselves trying to keep pace with advertisements, shopping schedules, costco lines, shipping stores, etc. The spirit of the season seems all but lost to me. Is it any wonder so many of us are sick or just generally dragging during this time of year. I want to stop. I don't want to decorate my whole house or fill my cart with gifts that none of us really need, and I really, really, really don't want to eat and drink myself into oblivion. This is sooooo hard! All the yummy goods, special meals, festive occasions. I MUST think of other ways to celebrate. Well, as a pastor, that shouldn't be too hard, right? ho ho ho....Merry Christmas!